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What sexual hang-ups can do to your sex life

sexual hang-ups

Everyone has self-doubt when it comes to sex, whether it’s body insecurities, your  natural body odour or performance under the covers. Even if you and your partner are sexually compatible, having sexual hang-ups can make it difficult to have a satisfying sex life writes Matty Silver.

Most people have insecurities when it comes to sex, especially when reaching middle age and after talking to so many clients over the years, I have realised that it’s very common for many to have sexual hang-ups.

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Often they are insecurities, inhibitions, shame or situations that prevent them from having pleasurable sex. Hang-ups can put a damper on desire and may affect your sex life with your partner. It’s difficult to feel sexy or be in the mood when these intrusive negative thoughts enter your mind.

As so many couples separate or divorce these days, it’s not easy to start dating again, both for men and women. Being worried about sexual skills and performance is one of the major issues both men and women can struggle with, especially with a new partner. Will I be as good as their other lovers? Men may lose their erection or come too quickly – women may have difficulties to orgasm and all these insecurities can become an emotional minefield. 

Some women don’t like having sex with the lights on, because they don’t want their husband or new partner to see their not-so-perfect bodies. I often suggest wearing sexy lingerie covering the parts of their body they don’t like. Have some candles burning or have lights with a dimmer to help make the bedroom a place where you both feel comfortable. 

Poor body image – feeling self-conscious about the way your body looks – is a hang-up that affects all genders. For the average man, his penis is his most important possession; however many men experience anxiety about the size and appearance of their penises, especially when they are dating new women again! 

Another major hang-up for men is that they may not be able to make their partner orgasm. This is an issue women also worry about a lot. They often blame themselves and focus too much on it, which actually makes having an orgasm more difficult. As it can be much more difficult for a woman to orgasm than a man, it’s important that a woman knows how to have an orgasm on her own. Then she can show her partner how to do it and how she likes it. Men love it when they become good at pleasuring their partners with oral sex and, and of course also when they receive it themselves. 

As soon as we experience rejection around something we’re already feeling ashamed or embarrassed about, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy to believe there is something wrong with us. 

Another hang-up is – believe it or not – that some people believe they are too old to have sex, which is not that surprising as in today’s society many people think older people are not sexual anymore. But with hormone replacement therapies available for women and the many male erectile dysfunction drugs on the market, older people can enjoy a healthy, enjoyable sex life into their eighties or even older. I am not just talking about intercourse; kissing, cuddling, holding hands or lying in bed together can also be great sexual intimacy. 

Sometimes people are so insecure, they need to be told that they are good at sex and keep on asking their partners about this. There is nothing wrong with wanting some praise sometimes, but don’t overdo it, craving compliments can spoil the mood. And men should remember that women sometimes fake an orgasm because they can’t stand to be pressured all the time with the question: “have you had an orgasm yet?”

Many of my clients feel uncomfortable receiving and giving their partners oral sex, mainly because they are not sure how to please each other or find it embarrassing. My suggestion to men and women who are worried if they are not very good at given oral sex is, just ask your partner explicitly what he or she likes, it shouldn’t be that difficult. Good communications between partners is paramount for a good sex life. 

Smell can be a worry for a woman, but healthy female genitalia have a natural scent called pheromones, and will turn most partners on. There’s no need to shower every time before you have sex – another hang-up many people have.

So what to do to overcome sexual hang-ups?

Sexuality is an important part of your life and your relationship and having good communication is the key to sharing your feelings and worries with your partner. Talk about the things you are comfortable with doing and be honest about what you like or dislike. Together you may be able to overcome some of your hang-ups and enjoy sex even more.