Most people believe sexting is traditionally the domain of young people, but research has shown that increasing numbers of older people have adopted sexting as a way to communicate and connect to their partner, writes Matty Silver.
For anyone who isn’t familiar with the term, sexting is defined as sending provocative, nude, sexual, explicit or intimate photos, videos or text messages via a mobile phone or other device.
Sexting is considered a fun way of communicating and connecting. A short erotic message or sexy photograph can spark a partner’s imagination and increase arousal. Often words can be hotter or more exciting than images and this digital foreplay can be a turn on and improve intimacy. Sexting has become increasingly acceptable and is no longer considered a ‘dirty word’.
In the US a survey conducted by McAfee of 1258 people between the ages of 50 and 75 found a surprising 24 per cent said they had sent intimate or personal photos, texts or emails on their devices. It’s difficult to find similar surveys in Australia, but it’s probably safe to assume our baby boomers are also doing it.
BeNaughty, an Australian dating website, analysed the behaviour of 1783 of its members and found 31 per cent of those aged 50 and over admitted to sexting, and apparently more women than men send sexts
So, can sexting be beneficial to relationships in general?
Sexting can improve long-term relationships and help couples who have been together for a while, and are perhaps stuck in a rut, relate to each other in a more sexual and playful way. It’s also a great way to stay in touch for couples who may often be separated because of work commitments or who are living apart.
There are many single people over fifty who are looking for love again after a divorce or break-up, which happens mostly online these days. Not that surprisingly with all the new dating apps that are on the market, and the popularity of ‘selfies’, they may find sexting a fun way of flirting and getting to know someone sexually.
However, we have to be aware of the risks that come with sending nude images or videos on our mobiles or online. When you send an explicit, nude or sexy picture, it’s a good idea not to include your face or distinguishing features. On the other hand, if you are going to send a picture, you might as well try to make it tasteful and alluring.
When you are in a serious relationship, it may be inevitable to have incriminating photos on your phones, but that’s the risk of modern dating. Sexting and alcohol don’t mix – being intoxicated can make us feel vulnerable to doing things we wouldn’t do when sober. Remember the slogan ‘don’t drink and drive’? We can add ‘don’t drink and sext’ to the list!
Last year in the US, 69-year-old veteran 60 minutes correspondent Steve Kroft, best known for reporting from dangerous war zones and interviewing United States presidents, was exposed having a three-year affair with a married 41-year-old Manhattan lawyer. These tabloid revelations made headlines all over the world, but what seemed of most interest to the public was the news that Kroft had been an active ‘sexter’ using racy text messages which would have never made it past the censors of Kroft’s own award-winning show.
“I had an extramarital affair that was a serious lapse of personal judgment and extremely hurtful to my wife and family and for that I have nothing but regret,” Kroft said in a statement. “This was a personal failure, not a professional one, and had no impact whatsoever in my job as a journalist”. Being a celebrity has its pitfalls!
A client of mine, in his early fifties, came to see me after I had earlier counselled him and his wife when they had relationship problems. He told me they had separated some months ago after being married for 22 years, and he was anxious for advice on how to enter the dating scene again. I suggested he join a dating website and let all his friends and acquaintances know.
One thing that surprised him was after only several weeks of the news being public, he started receiving friendly texts and even photos from women he barely knew with suggestive invitations for coffee or dinner. He was very flattered but had no idea how to approach this new way of dating – he was new to sexting and found it quite scary.
Another client had sent many nude photos to her now ex-boyfriend over a three-year period. She wasn’t that upset when she found out that he had shared them around, as she is proud of her body and the photos were all in good taste. However, a problem arose when he sent some to her new boyfriend who became quite upset and jealous.
So what should you do when you are in a monogamous relationship and you discover sexy texts or photographs on your partner’s phone, and he or she insists they are just flirting? It soon can become very tricky and unpleasant.
However, jealousy issues aside, sexting is the ultimate form of safe sex, as both participants are not in the same room. I am all for it as it’s almost become a normal part of human sexual expression and anything that makes people’s sex life more pleasurable is okay by me.
So, remember if you and your partner are newly together or have been a relationship for years, sexting could make more of a difference than you think.
Matty Silver
Matty Silver is a sex therapist and relationship counsellor based in Sydney. She is also the New South Wales president of the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists.
Website: mattysilver.com.au
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