As a sex therapist I spoke to a man recently who had a dilemma and needed some advice. His 73-year-old mother-in-law, who has early dementia, had been living in a nursing home for about six months. He and his wife were contacted by the staff who told them that she had started a relationship with another resident. They were seen kissing and holding hands, often spending time in each other’s room, writes Matty Silver.
My client felt that as long as the relationship was consensual, it should not be a problem; he had noticed she seemed happier lately and couldn’t understand why the nursing home felt it necessary to inform them. But his wife was outraged – she had never seen her parents show any affection at all, and the thought that her mother might be having sex with a “stranger” was abhorrent to her.
In today’s society many people believe old people are not sexual anymore and often managers of aged-care facilities think so too. Nursing home residents should be able to enjoy a healthy sex life, which is important to their psychological and physical wellbeing. It shouldn’t be a taboo. We are not just talking about intercourse – kissing, cuddling, holding hands or lying in bed together can be great sexual intimacy.
Aged-care facilities have a duty of care to make sure there is no abuse, but just because someone has dementia doesn’t mean they can’t consent. Carers have to remember that their residents are adults, not children, and having dementia doesn’t always stop them from making decisions. They may decide what TV show they want to see, what to eat, what to wear or even to refuse their medication. Therefore no one has the right to deny them the fundamental right of sexual expression.
Love, intimacy, sex and building meaningful relationships are not the exclusive domain of the young, as most popular culture would have us believe. We are drowning in messages about sex from television, advertising and marketing but it is largely focused on the younger generation. This is not surprising as most of us don’t really want to imagine our parents or grandparents still having sex!
But they do – I often talk to couples who have been together for many years and still have a very satisfying sex life. Over the past few years, several surveys have been conducted to find out more about the sex lives of older Australians, and the good news is they are still want to remain sexually active, often well into advanced age. Ageing doesn’t end sex, it changes it. Sometimes a couple may end up not having penis-vagina intercourse anymore, but there are many other satisfying ways to be sexual.
Very few romantic movies are made featuring older people. Memorable ones started in 2003 with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton finding love in Something’s Gotta Give – a lovely, classic romantic comedy with a happy ending. Then there was It’s Complicated with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin in 2009 or the rather sad movie Away From Her with Julie Christie in 2006.
Another big success that same year was The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel with Maggie Smith, Judi Dench and Bill Nighy as English retirees looking for love and adventure in India. The movie was so successful that a sequel was made in 2015, The Second Best Marigold Hotel, and Richard Gere joined the cast. The formula seems to be working – older people all over the world are turning out in record numbers – as they can finally recognise themselves.
The sexual environment has changed dramatically over the last decades with increasing rates of divorce and repartnering. Looking for love online has become extremely popular with online dating and social media no longer just for the young. The availability of drugs such as Viagra has given many men, who had given up hope of being sexual again, new opportunities.
People who have been in long monogamous relationships are now looking for more casual sexual encounters. Most women used to be on the pill when they were younger and many couples never used a condom in their lives; they also missed out on the safe-sex messages that were promoted in the 1980s.
Unfortunately, there has been a dramatic rise in the rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea among Australians aged 60 years and over. We certainly need education campaigns about safe sex aimed at this age group – they need to be taught about the risk of having sex without a condom in a new relationship and the importance of being tested. They may not have been sexually active themselves but their new partners may have been.
Ageing changes sex; women start to experience menopausal changes such as vaginal dryness. The vaginal lining thins and sometimes intercourse becomes uncomfortable. Libido and sexual self-esteem may decrease, and for both men and women it often takes longer to have an orgasm. Men may experience erection problems and arousal can take more time. As a result many older people are not prepared for the sexual changes and they withdraw. But it doesn’t have to be that way as there are so many other ways to be sexual.
Keep your sex life alive by making time for it. Try different approaches that allow you to get excited and enjoy each other. Use hands, mouth, and sex toys to make love and enjoy an orgasm. Try to have sex in the morning when you are not tired and men’s testosterone levels are higher. Having sex releases several hormones in the body, which increases intimacy and bonding and works against loneliness and depression. When you are on your own, solo sex is a great option.
So keep in mind that a healthy sex life is not only fulfilling, but also good for other aspects of life, including your physical health and self-esteem.
Love, intimacy, sex and building meaningful relationships are not the exclusive domain of the young, as most popular culture would have us believe.
ABOUT
Matty Silver Matty Silver is a sex therapist and relationship counsellor based in Sydney. She is also the New South Wales president of the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists.
Website
mattysilver.com.au
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