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Relationships in Retirement

Relationships in retirement

[hr]Maintaining strong and healthy relationships is no easier when you are retired, than when you were struggling to balance a work/life balance. My Life Change has published a serious of resource books to assist people to make the most of their retirement. In Relationships in our 50s, 60s and Beyond, author Sandra Kimball tells us why it’s important for couples to plan retirement together. [hr]

There is a lot of information available to help people plan financially for retirement, yet very little attention is paid to how unprepared a couple can be for the impact this major life transition can have on their relationship. The arrival of this life phase can be on the doorstep much sooner than expected and catch us off guard. Although it may be a challenge to adjust to an income different from what we’ve grown accustomed to, it’s not usually the money that’s primarily the concern. It’s the failure to realise that this phase in life ushers in a new way of being in the world that has to be understood, appreciated and creatively expressed.

When we shift from working full-time, there are challenges ahead that will impact our intimate relationship in ways we have never encountered before. Many couples enjoy a long and reasonably happy marriage, only to confront disillusionment and serious marital problems when they face the reality of being together twenty-four hours a day for many years to come. Others may wake up to discover they don’t know each other anymore or that they’ve established habits of relating that are toxic.

[pullQuote]“When we shift from working full-time, there are challenges ahead that will impact our intimate relationship in ways we have never encountered before.” [/pullQuote]

When one person hasn’t worked full-time outside the home or if one has retired earlier than the other and they’ve established a comfortable post-retirement rhythm, their partner’s sudden return home can feel as if their territory is being invaded. Or, it might feel unsettling for us to be at home when before that we were only there when we were sick or on holiday.

Some people find a new partner later in life. When the honeymoon is over and the realities of day-to-day living settle in, difficulties can begin to bubble up. Although it’s not true for everyone, the anticipated joy and the commitment to doing it differently sometimes diminishes and a vague dissatisfaction becomes an annoying background noise in their daily life.

It’s expected that there will be a few bumps in the road. If the difficulties are left unexamined, a couple will find that they are riding a torrent of discontent and will stay together feeling bitter and miserable. Some couples wisely decide to go their separate ways. For others, it’s possible to re-create a shared vision for the rest of their life together that has the potential to be the best time ever.

It won’t be like our parents

One thing is certain and that is that retirement is not the same as it was in our parents’ or grandparents’ generations. In our grandparents’ generation, retirement was a relatively brief phase. Life expectancy was shorter so if a person made it to sixty-five years old, they only had a couple of years of retirement ahead of them. People worked for as long as they could and most retired because of poor health. For many, the reaction to retirement was like being told they had six months to live and they had to spend it with someone they didn’t like. It was the beginning of the end.

In our parent’s generation when life expectancy was a little longer, retirement was something to look forward to. Most of our parents worked in regimented, limiting and oftentimes, boring jobs. Retirement was regarded with a sense of entitlement. “The Golden Years” were something they deserved after long years of hard work.

Now however, Australia ranks among the highest in life expectancy in the world. Recent statistics show the average life expectancy is 84 years old. Many people will retire with far better health, a higher level of education and more income. They can expect to enjoy an active, vigorous life well into their eighties with up to twenty years or more spent in retirement.

The modern concept of work is changing and retirement has come to be a somewhat meaningless term. People accept early retirement from one place and go to work somewhere else. Many start their own businesses and increasingly people work from home. For others, it’s become a goal to retire early. It’s common for people in their forties and fifties to leave their traditional careers, retire and then return to work again. But for the sake of staying on common ground, the term retirement is used in this book to mark the life transition that comes sometime in the 50’s, 60’s or 70’s when people decide to make a transition from paid employment that closes off certain avenues of life activity while simultaneously opening up others. It’s the start of an engaged and active new chapter in life with a set of unique challenges.

What’s love got to do with it?

Life expectancy and work were different for our grandparents and parents and so was falling in love. A century ago, the modern day challenges and problems of marriage hardly existed. Marriage was embedded within firm cultural, familial and religious traditions. Our grandparents may have fallen in love, but it wasn’t always the main reason for getting married. They lived in a time when marriage still served economic, political and social functions. Couples usually couldn’t put their feelings for each other above the more important commitments such as ties to their parents or responsibility to their community or religion. It was also uncommon to marry outside one’s class, education or nation. And those who did were aware of the complexities it would bring.

In many parts of the world during our parents’ generation, a new set of values that allowed for freer choice in how one chose a partner came about. People married because they were in love. When the choice to marry was based more on personal feelings, there was freedom to fall in and out of love. Divorce, blended and single parent families are the result and are now more common than ever before.

Nowadays, anything is possible and therefore we’re not so easily aware of the unique considerations and challenges that can arise for example, as the result of an older woman marrying a younger man or a marriage between people of different ethnicities or from different continents. Tradition is what held relationships together in the past but now the power of tradition is breaking down. Individuals have to find out – often very painfully – whether or not they belong together.

In our present generation, the change in values, the probability that there will be more than one marriage in a lifetime and the fact we are living longer means there are a growing number of people who are on their second or third marriages when they enter retirement. This brings with it the complexity of unexpected relationships with stepchildren, children’s stepchildren, and new sets of in-laws. Extended family dynamics can be tricky and something a couple will have to negotiate together.

Women are different

To fit in, women in our parents’ and grandparents’ generations had to amputate large parts of themselves. Many of them led restricted lives unobserved by the outside world. They were restrained by their culture and there were few acceptable avenues for them to express their talents. Now this mould has been broken and women aren’t so easily stopped.

This is the first and largest generation of women who define themselves by their work. When professional executive women move into retirement, they often feel the same loss of identity as most men do when they leave the work force. They face a future they haven’t figured out yet and there are no role models. They have to redefine who they are when they don’t have a business card and rediscover what it means to be productive. For many women who retire now, they will have developed a strong network of friends mainly in the workplace. They might not have the web of family and friends outside work to support them when they make the transition to retirement.

The increased participation of women who work means that when men retire, the woman may not be at home at all – she may continue to work. Alternatively, women who have been homemakers might fear that a retiring spouse will eliminate their daytime freedom. Men sometimes find that when they retire, their spouses don’t have much time for them because the women already have a routine and active lifestyle. Their independent lives might mean that their activities don’t necessarily revolve around their partner’s interests. Conflicts arise when their retirement goals don’t match the goals of their partner.

Some women who have lost their partners through death or divorce enjoy their independence and want to remain single. They’re good at networking and have a caring and supportive group of friends around them. Other women find solace in leading a peaceful, more solitary life. These self-reliant women act as encouraging and positive role models for those who might find it daunting to be on their own when they retire. They are flourishing with freedom perhaps they’ve never had before and they’re not about to give it up.

We’re writing new scripts

In many regions of the world, people in later life adulthood have a heightened social status and hold greater spiritual and cultural responsibilities. They remain an integral part of society and family life. In some places, they are held in reverence just because they are older, irrespective of whether they have acquired wisdom. It would be considered shameful to neglect them. However, if we look at the images portrayed in our mainstream culture of people in later life, we might feel like we’re about to be tossed on the scrap heap. Most people over fifty are depicted as plain, boring and sometimes a little dotty. The thought of retiring can be a dismal one, especially when our society places great value on youth and vitality and oftentimes labels anyone who is showing their age as useless and decrepit.

However, this generation, just like in the 1960s, is at the forefront of another significant social change. Babyboomers don’t want to been seen as diminished and they intend to stay active and engaged in life. They‘re finding more creative ways to define and finance retirement. They want more options than sitting in the sun, playing the occasional game of golf and gossiping about real estate and the stock market. Instead, they want to live with the dignity and respect that befits one who has

experienced a long life span and accumulated knowledge along the way. There are many people in their fifties, sixties and seventies who won’t accept invisibility. Instead of supporting endless consumerism, they’re engaged in activities that give back to society. They endeavour to be a true blessing to others.

We have more choice now than ever before about when to retire and how to spend what could be a quarter of our life. The wisdom we’ve gained from years of experience coupled with the willingness to change will prepare us for the intertidal years – when we’re not young and not old, but in that mysterious place between high and low tide. During these years, we face the challenges that are idiosyncratic to this life phase such as; growing old, possibly being alone, losing sexual vitality, getting bored, or not having enough money. When a couple faces them together, their intimate bond becomes stronger. There is the opportunity for experiencing a renewed vibrancy and a shared meaning of life when their attention turns to leaving the world a better place.

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Relationships in our 50s 60s and beyond BookAbout

Relationships in your 50s, 60s and Beyond: How Yours Can Survive and Thrive is available from mylifechange.com.au

Sandra Kimball is a counsellor, author and educator who has worked for more than 20 years in the arena of mental health. She specialises in couples therapy and couples retreats.

About the author

Alana Lowes

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